Friday, 12 July 2013


Top 5 Heckles

In response to my opener, “Hello, I’m Clayton Blizzard”:

“No you’re not.”

“Don’t apologise.” (I hadn’t)

In response to my song introduction: “This one might be a bit controversial”:

“You wish, Honey!”

“If you don’t play another song, we’ll shoot you.”

[Sound of vomiting]

Bottom 5 Heckles

“Play a happy song”

“Play the Destiny’s Child song”

“Shut up and play a song!” (Difficult)

“Can my boyfriend play a song?  He’s really good.”

“Last orders at the bar!”

Top 5 Pithy Responses to Hecklers

“Soundman, can you turn the volume down, please?

I feel like we’re interrupting a lot of conversations, and that’s just rude.

Most people aren’t listening, and if democracy teaches us anything, it’s that we should allow the barely-articulated wishes of a poorly-defined majority to dictate what everyone else sees and hears.”

“What’s that, mate? Eh? WHAT?

Sorry, I can’t hear you, there’s some knobhead with a microphone talking over you.”

“The funny thing about hecklers is….um….I’m sorry, am I interrupting your conversation?”

“What are you saying?  I’m shit?  Well, yeah….I suspected that myself, but I’d already taken the booking, and felt I had to honour it.  The promoter was really keen.  I thought maybe I should pull out, but I didn’t want to let him down.  So, you know, I might be shit, but….I’m reliable, so…there’s that.  But thanks for your honesty, I appreciate it.  No, really.  It’s all too rare these days, isn’t it, mate?  Most people just clap politely and go back to their conversation – but thanks for taking the time to give me a two-word review.  Most people would think I’m too fragile, that my ego wouldn’t stand up to that kind of casual contempt in lieu of scrutiny of an artistic performance.  Good on you for seeing through that shallow social convention.  So anyway, I’ll probably just pack all this music stuff in and go back to my job as a professional hitman in YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD.  LOOK FORWARD TO A LATE NIGHT VISIT FROM ME.”

“I remember my first pint as well, mate…..actually, I don’t.  That got a laugh.  See how easy it is?  I’ve got a microphone and you haven’t.  That’s how it works, you’ve all seen live entertainment before.  Except this arsehole shouting out, it’s his first time.”

Clayton Blizzard

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