Three, Two, One, Home

Three 

He feels like he just wants to be the same as everyone else – goes to great lengths, in fact, to fit in.  

Given a choice between stridently stating what he thought, regardless of what he thought everyone else present thought, and keeping his counsel until everyone else had said what they thought, he would always choose the latter.

Intellectually, he would prefer not, but socially, it was always the same feeling – calculation, even: fit in first.  

Be agreeable with strangers and disagreeable with friends. 

(It didn’t always work, of course.)

Enjoying his own company didn’t mean it was a choice, however. 
As a child he would spend hours playing by himself, but also loved running around with the neighbourhood children playing ‘One Two Three Home’.

Two

You want to be different!

When there is no difference – of opinion, of background – you invent one.

Or several.

You want to not be seen.

It is impossible.

For one thing, the two are mutually exclusive.

Anyway, it is impossible to not be seen now.

Not just because of technology: satellites, surveillance, social media.

But because it was always impossible socially, which is perhaps why it has become impossible literally, physically.

You are as distant from others as you choose to be, because the distance itself is an invention; we – the world – are energy, not mass.  

You don’t need to wait for death to accept it as your nature.

One

I always worry about disappointing someone – I’m constantly concerned about letting someone down.

Often it’s myself.

I’ve always been told I have so much potential, I can do more, I can be more – if only I would pay attention.

If only I would believe in myself.

If only I would work hard.

If only I wanted it enough.

But it’s up to you, they’d say.

I’m, fine, I’ve got the grades, done my stuff, I’ve lived my life, now it’s your turn.

The words were flatly contradicted by the urgency in the tone and body language, which screamed YOU OWE IT TO US! YOU OWE IT TO ME!

My life was not my own.
How could it be?
I didn’t work for these talents, abilities, opportunities. 
They were given by others.
It was a matter of responsibility.
I have rebelled against it all my life.
Every time someone agrees with me,
I die inside…….

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