Friday, 15 November 2013

GNR Press Release: No Condition Is Permanent

Clayton Blizzard’s hiatus from live performance continues, and the Folk Rapper has expressed surprise that “No one seems to have noticed, really.”

Parliament has remained in session, banks, schools and shops are open – business as usual for a Britain completely unmoved by the career break of the didactic, self-regarding songwriter.
“It’s like the government and the Bank of England aren’t even aware I exist – not that I care, mind” said the 33 year-old, in his characteristic south-west drawl.
“They haven’t even bothered to shut down my website or bandcamp page, where albums are available for a fiver” complained the side-burn-sporting self-publicist.

The 30 year-old Bristolian buffoon has remained uncharacteristically quiet during the hiatus, periodically referring opaquely to “exciting new projects”, leaving “fans” to speculate on his current activities.  Apparently Bristol’s “Premier Folk Rapper” believed that without his superfluous satire, people wouldn’t know how to react to things.

The most common question we faced in our research was, however: “Who?”, suggesting that the 39 year-old has some way to go before becoming “a thorn in a rich and powerful paw”, as is his apparent aspiration.  We contacted Russell Brand, but he was not available for comment.

So, while the world at large mostly doesn’t give a shit, it has also decided not to let facts get in the way of a good story, as reflected by the wilder competing rumours of Blizzard’s “other projects”, which contend that he is:
Conducting secret surveillance for the NSA;
Working as a Coroner’s assistant in Swindon, to research a new book;
Training secessionist Hereford guerrillas in the Malverns;
Working as a temp to raise money for local pubs.

The truth, I can exclusively reveal, is somewhat more mundane: Blizzard is playing banjolin, writing, listening to a lot of jazzy 90s Hip Hop and planning for his next assault on the collective consciousness of a hitherto-indifferent public.

Sources close to the 28 year-old say he “hasn’t been out much”, and is thought to have been “mostly sitting around putting on weight” and spending time re-visiting the Classic SNES game Super Mario Kart, completing all levels, “even Star Cup on 150cc, which is the hardest one”.

Sadly for this self-appointed “artist”, however, he needs money to live, so will probably be back bothering small Bristol venues before long:
“I’m not bothered about money, of course, but my landlord seems a lot less relaxed about it” said the 36 year-old, slurring his words, before adding:  “No condition is permanent!” in an high-pitched, excitable whine, with his eyes all rolling back in his head and stuff.

So, if you see him about, ask him what he thinks he’s doing, and tell him his Mum wants him in for his tea.

Chic P
Chief Scribe

The Glorious New Regime
Running Free til 2014

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