Friday, 30 May 2014

Dispatches From The Office

Magic Eye Picture:

I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me
I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will not let it get to me I will try not to let it get to me I will try I will try.

What do you see?
I see a man being paid a modest wage to do something he considers beneath him.




So far today I have:
  • Made a joke about my "dark, brooding intensity" which was not at all well received. Not at all received, in fact 
  • Sat through an interminable meeting, my attendance at which was utterly superfluous (I think "Ok" was the only thing I said.  I said it twice.)
  • Been head-hunted by a dodgy-sounding company for a sales job, (possibly in advertising)
  • Received a new door pass which does not work (just the latest instalment in the tedious saga of my access to the building where I work)
What an exciting day.

 


At least once a week, in answer to the question "How are you?", I reply:
"Treading water in a sea of existential despair."
It's a really good way to discourage small talk.

 


I read this today:
"But the basic problem, cut to the size of a tweet, is that the economy is the name for a hostage situation in which the vast majority of the population is made dependent on a small minority through implicit threat of violence."
This quote will form the basis of my resignation letter, which I have written and re-written several times.

 


An Open Letter To Firstbus:

Dear Firstbus,


Could you please either:


a)  Get much much better at buses, or
b)  Fuck off out the way and give someone else a go.


Thanks,


Bristol




Things I Have Not Missed About Working In An Office
  • People saying:  “It doesn’t feel like a Tuesday”, or “Is it Wednesday?  I keep thinking it’s Thursday.”
  • TV Talk
  • The Mail Online
  • Limited horizons/poverty of aspiration
  • The Drinking Culture
  • Sore eyes from staring at a screen all day
  • Rigidity
  • Answering the question: “What do you do?”  (Stock responses: “Weelllllll…..my day job…”; “I could tell you about it, but we might both slip into a coma”; “What do you care?”)
  • Explaining/defending every opinion 
  • Public transport 
  • That strange half-smile people do when they catch the eye of someone they don’t know, but see around all the time.  You know the one, the perfectly straight-lipped grimace. 
  • The abbreviations FYI, TBH and ASAP (which everyone uses. Except me.) 
  • Bullet points
  • Being the strangest person in the room 
 (“Why are you walking like that?”
“I’m concerned with fluidity of movement.”
“You’re weird.”
“Byyyeeeee.”)


 Things I Have Missed About Working In An Office
  • Cake.  Every day.
  • Making up abbreviations (such as MF, JTFC and DYFJ)
  • Explaining/defending every opinion
  • Being the strangest person in the room 
 (“The policy is a bit confusing, but I suppose it kinda makes sense.”
“Like string theory.”
“What?”
“Well, it can’t be proved but has at least some sort of internal logical consistency…if you buy into the premise.  I suppose the analogy doesn’t really stand up to scrutiny, does it?  I don’t really understand string theory.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha you’re weeeiiirrd.”)

1 comment:

  1. I like to picture DYFJ as standing for Don't You Fucking Joke. For use in a situation so serious, it must be respected without irony. If such a thing exists.

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