Friday, 26 December 2014

Reviving The Lost Art Of Letter-Writing: Vol. II

From: M—<---- data-blogger-escaped-net="">
Sent: Friday, 10 October 2014, 14:25
Subject: Postcard from Penzance

Hi Clayton

M- from Penzance here.
Hope all's well with you up there in the seething metropolis.
How are you fixed for Saturday February 7th 2015, assuming you haven't died from ebola by then? It would be in the Ritz, Penzance again, performing for a bunch of middle class hippies (think of the tips!) all staring at you expectantly like you're some sort of dancing monkey (we had actually booked a dancing monkey, funnily enough, but - according to it's agent - it caught ebola after shagging an aid worker, so unfortunately had to cancel).
So if the answer to the above question is "I'm planning on sitting around in my underpants watching the whole series of 'Fargo' back to back on the 7th Feb", could you tell me the absolute minimum we can get away with paying you, yet still stand a chance of tempting you off the sofa, into some smart casual trousers and onto a train heading west?

There will naturally be a patch of luxury floor (not too sticky) provided somewhere for you to sleep on (probably).

Have your people call my people.



On 14/10/14 17:51, Clayton Blizzard wrote:

Although I plan to have perished in some glorious (to be chosen) fashion by February next year, I have no problem committing to gigs ahead of time. It helps to add a tragic twist ("he was about to embark on a tour of provincial arts houses...what a waste") to my life's last act, which will play well in the biopic (I am to be played by Elijah Wood. Or Toby Maguire. Or any young Hollywood star that can handle a Bristle accent).

So, you're ahead of the game and the date should, therefore, be fine.
I hope the middle-class hippies are also middle-aged...the young middle-class hippies tend to have a dearth of disposable income and a wealth of crazy idea/ls, which make them a slightly less attractive proposition for a travelling minstrel.....

I would usually ask for £X+costs (for a train booked in advance, this will be something like £X), is that acceptable?

I've also got a new band, a 4-piece playing jazzy Hip Hop versions of my songs, and we'll also be writing new stuff soon - would the people of Penzance be interested in that...?

Let me know what you think.

Thanks and Peace



On Tue, 2/12/14, M- wrote:
Subject: Re: Postcard from Penzance

Hello Mr. B

Sorry it took a while to get back atcha. Yes, that's most acceptable (£X + costs), so I'm delighted to say - in my capacity as secretart to this esteemed organisation (check out the different email
address!) - can we call the Sat 7th Feb 2015 'Confirmed'? I can cough up for the travel up front if things are tight over xmas etc... make sure you get the 'advance' discount (we can't afford you
otherwise, see...)

I'm not sure how to accurately 'age' middle-class hippies... many of them don't weather well. Chopping them in half and counting the layers of patchouli seems the most reliable method,
although the washing up is a chore. Maybe we could ask them how many cars are on their driveway
before selling them a ticket?

Speaking of which (tickets), we're just going for walk-up, so there are none. Just a flat £5 on the door. You have a support act as well... they're called 'The Super 8s'.... a local 4 piece 'B-movie
music' band... sort of Tarentino soundtrack skiffle-y surf vibe. Two of their members are local legends, so they usually draw a few. I went up to check them out at some bizarre little village hall in the middle of nowhere (£2 on the door!) They kicked it! Weird thing was that the stage was like 5
ft high... I left with intimate knowledge of their footware.

I was challenged to come up with three words for your strapline.... I hope "Bristol's finest folk-rap" doesn't offend... if that's way off, complain now before the leaflet thing goes to print. Any other blurbage to go on promo/press that you have, feel free to send it my way. This gig is a fundraiser for 'P- E- N-', but also the closing act of the whole 'Transition Roadshow' event that runs over the proceeding days... That way I get to put our gig in their leaflets, MOAR HIPPYZ! :)

Righty-ho... just send me a confirmation if you can, then I can go get hammered and forget about this until February... :D

Hope you're well


PS Use '' for me for now, that 't---t---' address is about to bite the dust... along with t---t---'s ability to steal money from me. \o/


On Wed, 3/12/14, Clayton Blizzard wrote:

Subject: Re: Postcard from Penzance
Date: Wednesday, 3 December, 2014, 16:40


Safe, that's all good - do I take it that you'd prefer a a solo set...?
I'm not really booking them for now, trying to push the new band.

But for you, for your esteemed organisation, for The People Of Penzance (and the hippies), I will happily do it.
So, YES, let's call it booked and confirmed. I'll book transport and let you know what it cost ASAP, so you can get your expenses claim in nice and early.

Your three words are most agreeable, but I will happily send you a longer description for the promo material.

Also, for a blog on The Lost Art Of Letter Writing, I'd like to include the e-mail trail below - heavily re-dacted to remove personal details (including amounts of cash changing hands) and incriminating information, of course - and only with your express consent. I might even include this bit. (Could do with that by tomorrow, if at all possible - the blog is published on Friday mornings. No worries if you'd rather I didn't share the details of our conversation).
Anyway, please let me know, Mr Secretary.

Woop Woop.
Thanks and Peace



On Wed, 10/12/14, M- wrote:
Subject: Penzance 7th Feb

oiwoight Mr. Blizz

Trust you're all good... Hast thou forsaken me? ;) Seriously, if you've had a better offer for Feb 7th, take it... Penzance is a shithole.

If not, and you're just waiting for someone to get you a 2015 diary for xmas before committing to anything in the new year, the middle class hippies of west penwith would like to know if you can 'definitely' service their entertainment needs on the night in question...

Yours in antici.......



On 11/12/14 23:25, Clayton Blizzard wrote:

M-, You Rascal!

I replied to the address you supplied.

Please see the reply copied below.
It all stands: I would still like to use this thread, with all the caveats about privacy in the message here copied.

See what you think of the below also....we shall have our day on the coast, Sir.




On Sat, 13/12/14, M- <-""> wrote:
Subject: Re: Posted missing in Penzance 7th Feb

Oh, Mr. Blizzard, Sir!

My sincere, grovelling, snivelling, heartfelt, fuzzyfelt and bellyfeltungood apologies...

My computer (and most definitely not the monkey hammering on the keys) for some as yet unknown reason decided to filter your messages into my 'freecycle' folder, wedging you between an offer of a broken Rotavator and some (presumably functional) mouse traps in Newlyn (AKA the small Cornish drinking village with a fishing problem).

See! I warned you all, but you wouldn't listen! The machines have taken over and are running the show, now. They have decided your worth! Price point zero, peasant. At least they - in their way - are being honest about it, rather than waging several centuries of [not so] clandestine class-war and telling us it's all 'for our own good' or something. Maybe someone will write a song about it one day.

That said, I want to make it clear that; I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords... especially if the explicit whitelist filter for '' works as it should.

Anyway... excellent, we'll be seeing you on the 7th Feb, then. :)

Sorry to miss the blog deadline, but yes, you may use anything I write in any way you see fit... I trust you completely to make editorial decisions that will prevent me getting sustainably beaten with a free-range organic vegan haggis down a dark alley one dark night. I try to keep in mind the maxim that you should never type into a computer keyboard anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable writing on the side of your house in 4 foot letters (unless you're using two nested VPNs and a chain of proxies, of course, in which case "anything goes").

Speaking of words... if you do have anything resembling promo blurb to hand, I'd be grateful for it... getting stuff in the local rag in January is usually pretty easy, so I'll be trying to get something in there for the 29th Jan (about the organisation, mentioning gig+'what's on') and again for the 5th Feb. Also there's a couple of local radio stations... would you potentially fancy doing a quick (phone) interview on Fri 6th? Probably 'bookended' with a tune or two? It would probably be with this dickhead: [LINK REMOVED ON LEGAL ADVICE] -- worst interviewer ever, so I'd prepare a monologue.

Right-o. I trust this finds you in good health and good cheer, now get out there and buy some shit no-one needs, or the son-of-skypixie with smite you!


PS: Did you actually want the Rotavator? :|


On Wed, 17/12/14, Clayton Blizzard wrote:

Subject: Re: Posted missing in Penzance 7th Feb
Date: Wednesday, 17 December, 2014, 17:10


No need for the grovelling - get up off your knees, snivelling peasant!

I also welcome our new digital overlords, who will surely make us more efficient and obedient, which is just what these lazy Generation X-ers need.

I will, of course, be happy to wing some words your way in the next few days.
And then our business will be concluded for the time being, and you will be free to concentrate on the other activities you mention.

Thanks and Peace

Blizzardo Ono


From: L-, D-
Sent: 12 April 2007 09:17
To: C-; M-; P-; S-; K-; S-
Subject: Garra pt2

“Garra” cruised in at 9.05 this morning but what excuse do you think she gave?

a) She stopped to rescue a baby cheetah that was caught in a burning Landrover
b) Her alarm clock grew wings and flew out of the window
c) Her car had been beaten up by pirates
d) She got up late

You decide.

M- Operations

From: C-
Sent: 12 April 2007 09:29
To: L-
Subject: RE: Garra pt2

None of the above. The truth is, she was just leaving the house when a massive grizzly bear accosted her to talk about the glory of God and the inevitability of his judgment. Naturally, she was far too polite to shoo away the giant born-again Christian, and it took her a full 20 minutes to convince him she would read the Gospel according to John in a new light, so she could get to her car. Then, after all that, a buzzard swooped down and nipped off with her car keys. Determined to get to work on time, the tenacious Garra pursued the pesky bird of prey, risking life and limb. And the rest, as they say, is history.......

M- Operations

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