BAN THIS SICK FILTH: Three Tabloid Articles On Pop Music

7th March, 2013

New pop song sounds like every pop song ever

Music fans expressed outrage today when a pop song was released that sounded a bit like every pop song ever.

“It had a catchy hook and a sing-along chorus” said music fan Jeb Givvens.  “Just like every song I’ve ever heard on the radio.  I never could have predicted that a pop song would sound like another pop song.”

Critics claim the song employs an eight-bar intro, then a verse, then a chorus, then another verse, then fades with a repeated chorus.  The lyrics are throwaway and clichéd, instantly forgettable and yet also somehow implanted in the brain for life, due to the simple and effective melody.  The absence of a middle-eight break, key change or any signs of intelligence has not hindered sales of the song, which is thought to be the most downloaded of all time, with 642 million plays.

 “That makes it the best song ever, by anyone’s standards.  Obviously.  “  Claims former Smash Hits editor Manfred Coombe-Dingle.  “Research shows that 642 million is a really big number.”

Others have been more critical of the song’s disposable quality.  “The whole thing sounds like it was written in twenty minutes, half hour tops.”  Says Musicologist Professor Brenton Furstead. 

“When I turn on the radio, I expect to hear ground-breaking, genre-defying freak-out music.  Admittedly, I’ve never actually listened to the radio before, but I did today and was amazed to hear pop music just like the pop music of ten, twenty, thirty, forty or fifty years ago.  Apart from a slightly different drum sound and more swearing.”

The song has sparked controversy with its explicit lyrics, risqué video and total lack of thought.

Professor Furstead:  “All the controversy does seem to have distracted us from the fact the song is shit, doesn’t it?  Anyway, I’m going home to listen to some Jethro Tull and forget about all this nonsense.”

17^th March, 2015

Judge:  Shit pop songs belong to dead singers

A judge has ordered that two current pop stars must pay a dead singer for “stealing” his song.  In what could prove a landmark ruling, Justice Grafhausen dismissed defence claims that the “utter shitness of the song” meant that no one would want their late hero to be associated with it in any way.

In a reversal of a late 1990s High Court ruling that “everything is recycled, nothing is stolen”, Justice Grafhausen determined that some things are stolen and that the world of constant flux and no genuine individual ownership is “too confusing for” most people to get their heads around.

A separate case on mis-use of the word “written” is yet to be settled.

The song has now been played online 79.6 billion times, proving once and for all that the demise of the human race cannot come soon enough.

It is not yet known if the families of every blues musician ever plan to sue Jimmy Page, but sources close to the Hendrix family have revealed they are considering legal action against every rock guitarist since 1967.

18^th March, 2015

Mainstream Rock Fans Still Scared Of Difference

Fans of plodding, middle-aged stadium rock are still narrow-minded and possibly a bit racist, it emerged yesterday.

After the announcement that a black American rapper will headline a major festival, main stage mainstays reacted angrily.

“I plonk myself in front of the Pyramid Stage in a deck chair every year - and I don’t expect to be challenged in any way, or have to experience anything different from my everyday tastes and experiences.” Said Holly Breanwell.

Others took to Twitter, the standard receptacle for bigoted anger.

 “Rappers headlining Glasto? I’m leaving the country #dadrock4eva” tweeted @J.Clarkson

“If these yanks want to come over here and play our festivals then they should learn our language.”  Posted confused racist @cfcpariscrew

“Gonna watch it on the night, put my foot through the telly and send the BBC the bill.  #licensefeewaste” Wrote @B-Johnsonofficial

The festival’s publicity department have been remaining culturally relevant by annoying classic rock enthusiasts for several years.

“Well, Reading festival baited fans of heavy guitar music in the 90s by having Daphne & Celeste on the main stage – and they got bottled off.   So, you never know your luck” Said a spokesperson.