Clare: Did you see the debate on telly last night?
Martin: No, but I did see the Paxman interviews last
week, and what a bloody horrible thing it was as well.
C: Hmm. An
unedifying spectacle, indeed – enough to drive you to drink. Cheers.
M: Cheers.
I know, the papers are all full of the “who won” punditry rubbish, as if
that matters.
C: Well, it probably will have an impact on the
way some people vote.
M: OK, but if likeability is a big factor,
neither of those two will get a single vote.
C: Yep. Unfortunately – and call me superficial, if you must – I
just can’t bring myself to vote for a man who was shouted down by Myleene
Klass, and just sat there and took it. I
mean, Myleene Klass for fuck
sakes. Littlewoods saleswoman and former popstar Myleene Klass!
I could vote for someone who barely looks or sounds human, but I just cannot vote for a person that allows
himself to be trounced in such a manner by such a person.
M: That’s fair.
You’re always fair, it’s your biggest weakness.
C: Oh, do shut up.
M: Did you see, after that, Milliband tweeted
something about Labour’s tax policy being “pure and simple” – talk about a
mis-calculated gag! He gets ripped apart
by a Daily Mail B-lister and tries to make a joke about it. Read your audience, man.
C: Well, you’d know all about inappropriate
jokes.
M: Touche.
I just can’t believe Cameron was so scared of debating with him. What an insignificant, dough-faced
nonentity. Klass would tear him to fucking
pieces, if he weren’t her spiritual king.
C: Now, that
would make good TV. The thing is, we’re
middle-class, we’re over-represented in parliament –
M: And on TV, in music, comedy, films –
C: – Exactly.
And ever since Labour decided to respond to Thatcherism – ten bloody
years too late – by lurching right, working class people have had little or no
representation in Westminster.
M: Well, I don’t know if it’s quite that simple…
C: Pure
and simple: I can vote for several
parties who are courting me: they’re offering tax breaks, pension policies,
stuff like that – people on minimum wage are being offered nothing but casual
contempt. The whole campaign is aimed at
middle-income people in marginal constituencies.
M: And that’s us, the Chosen Few – we are the statistically-insignificant
proportion of the population who matter. The ones whose votes actually count. We’re
King-makers, top of the world – so why don’t we embrace it, take the chance to
use this influence….?
C: You’re trying to play Devil’s Advocate.
M: I mean, what’s the point of being educated,
liberal, middle-class intelligentsia if we can’t pretend to care about poor
people?
C: Fuck off.
Do you take anything
seriously?
M: Then it’s settled: we’ll all vote SWP
C: That’s not even funny.
M: The point is, Labour are back to their “we’re
not as bad as the other lot” strategy and the Lib Dems can’t answer a single
question honestly because they know that at best they’ll be a junior in a
coalition again, so they’ll have to pick one policy not too offensive to their bosses
and push that through… that’s the trouble with being middle class…anyone who
truly cares for you will leave for someone who needs them more.
C: What’s that from?
M: I think it’s The Simpsons
C: Great.
Also, in government, Labour’s foreign policy relied heavily on mass
murder. You know, they want to distance themselves
from Blair for the entirely understandable reason that he’s seen as an
electoral liability, that he’s seen as a money-making machine and a smarmy
wanker. But I’d stay away from him because
he’s a mass murderer.
M: Right, that’s again very fair…like Bill Hicks
said about George Bush The First: “it’s
not that I disagree with his foreign policy, or his economic policy, it’s that
I believe he’s the son of Satan, sent here to destroy the planet earth.”
C: Yeah.
That’s not really a joke, though, is it?
M: I suppose not. I don’t think Hicks really did jokes, with
the political stuff, but it was challenging to an American audience, they just
weren’t used to being told the President was a war criminal, and supporting
genocide…
C: Yes, I expect they saw it a little bit
differently in Buttfuck, Idaho.
M: Indeed.
Anyway, Blair’s not standing, and how would bombings and gunboat
diplomacy be different from any other candidates for prime minister?
C: Maybe it wouldn’t, but I’d rather vote for
someone I’m not sure about than someone who I think – actually, know – is a war criminal.
M: Better the devil you don’t know. So, we’re resolved: we’ll both vote UKIP.
C: Ha ha, Mr Comedian. Obviously, no self-respecting creative
professional would vote UKIP! I’d rather
people thought I was an arms dealer than bloody UKIP.
M: Or a 1970s TV presenter….
C: Exactly.
At the same time, I don’t think I can possibly vote Labour, because of
their total abandonment of their founding principles – AND all the wars.
M: Good, then we’re resolved: we’ll both vote
Communist.
C: As if.
M: So we’re resolved: we’ll all vote for no one,
and see what happens…
C: In a way, you’re right, the whole thing’s a
bloody joke. My son could vote for the first time but he’s been reading all
this Situationist stuff and he’s talking about how the election is just
spectacle. I’m trying to encourage him
to vote, but it’s really difficult – how can I when I basically agree with him?
M: Well, you could say that the process is a
joke but the result matters. All those
people who say it doesn’t matter who gets in should consider that the poorest
people are much worse off under this government than the last, and if you don’t
care about that then you might as well vote Tory or UKIP or something….are you
sure he hasn’t just been watching those Russell Brand videos on youtube?
C: He probably has.
M: Did you hear what Stewart Lee said about the
Paxman-Brand interview?
C: It always comes back to comedians for you,
doesn’t it?
M: Well….
C: Must be a bit of a busman’s holiday for you
to make jokes about politics in a pub!
M: Yeah, yeah, do what you love, love what you
do.
C: Ha!
M: Anyway, he said it was like watching a monkey
throw its shit at a foghorn.
C: Well.
M:
C: It’s a good line, but it doesn’t say much,
does it? Typical of him, really, it’s
clever, but it doesn’t mean much. It’s
like the opposite of an Oscar Wilde aphorism.
M: Well, now who’s being clever.
C: Well, you’re trying….
M: Ha ha, OK.
We’re both trying.
M: What about The Greens?
C: I’d vote Green if I thought they might get
in. Most people I know will vote Labour
to keep the Tories out, but without any real enthusiasm for Labour, just the
conviction that the Tories need to be kept out.
M: But you won’t vote Labour, surely, given what
you’ve just said…?!
C: Well…I really don’t want to, but…if I vote
Green and the Tories get in I’ll look pretty stupid.
M: So, like everyone else, you’ll vote against
what you don’t want –
C: – in the absence of candidates or policies I
actually would want? Yes.
M: But you’d consider Greens, so you must
support them somehow?
C: Yes, but they can’t actually win, can they?
M: Well, not with that attitude!
C: Bloody Hell!
M: I’m serious, if no one votes for them because
they don’t think they can win, then they definitely
won’t win, will they? And we’ll be stuck
with the same rubbish we’ve got now.
C: Hmm. The
whole election campaign is pretty depressing really. And it’s only just started properly.
M: Yeah, it’s enough to drive you to drink. So
we’re resolved: we’ll vote for Al
Murray. Same again?
C: Thanks.
I don't get it. Who'm I sposed to vote for?
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