Eeeeh, you! (A scene from a backroom at a dockside inn)

Ah, it’s an ill wind that blows these arses up the social ladder, isn’t it, friends…?  Haha.

Another round of campaigning and voting!  Hurrah!  This time, it will be on the classical model of capitalist democracy: the choice between neoliberalism or neoliberalism with a different accent.

What an age we live in…

The ambitious blue-eyed bouncing baby boy of the far right has had his say.  He’s not content with running the capital for capital, the affable young, well-educated buffoon – oh no, dear friends, he will not rest on his beautifully-made and yet somehow dishevelled-looking laurels.  The boy will not stop until he is king.  Ah, the arrogant self-importance of youth!

But the real issues are there: would we like to disturb the continental neoliberal consensus and replace it with a good, old-fashioned national neoliberal consensus?  One in which we sacrifice good food and good coffee and good beer for our own familiar, watery tripe…?  (Ah, but it’s our tripe, isn’t it?!)

All will be forgiven in the brotherhood of flags!  But will it be the flag of hope or the flag of triumph?

I jest, of course.  I am not so cynical and jaundiced as all that.  Naturally, there is dirty work afoot, whatever the outcome of this latest round of awkwardly-presented PR campaigns.

The forces are aligned: the left-right-centre coalition for a wheezy, embattled incontinent continent vs the left-right-centre coalition for crumbling, embittered, parochial nationalism. 

A shower of cunts against a set of bastards.

Well-meaning idiots against ignorant fools.

It’s a tough one, alright.

But in all seriousness, now friends, if you’ll allow an old sailor his clichés, ‘tis an age-old conundrum: we’re damned if we do, and we’re damned if we don’t!

-          Like Joe Strummer?

What?! We’ll have no heckling here, boys!  Explain yourself.

-          You know, in the song, can’t you hear it?  It’s on now, listen.

JOE STRUMMER SHOULD GO!  Our dilemma is far more tricky, me lad.  Joe Strummer should go, for if he does he will only have half the trouble.  Indeed, it is hardly a bind at all; he has surely talked himself into going.  We, however, must navigate a narrow and treacherous passage, full of danger and opportunity at every turn, and we will not know which may be the better or the worse until it is too late to change course.

-          But they’ll make us straighten our bananas!

Pish Posh! Stuff and nonsense!

-          But they’ll take away our rights!

Whereas our national government respects our rights….?

-          Yeah, but-

HUSH, FOOL! ‘T’was obviously rhetorical. 

-          But objectively speaking, are our rights not better protected within-

OBJECTIVITY IS IMPERIALISM!  IT IS PURE COLONIALISM! Slavery!  It removes you from you, so that you are educated – meaning, you know your place.  Brothers, Sisters, we cannot afford to let others decide for us, be they our traditional masters or those who wish to replace our masters!  Or those studious and serious men in long coats who read and pontificate all the day and tell us that we must leave these things to those who know best, that we must resist the rabble at the gates….HANG THOSE WHO KNOW BEST!  VIVE LA RABBLE!
Calais awaits!  We set sail on the morrow! 

[Cheers, nervous chuntering, sound of smashing glass]