SCENE:
Television studio at Hampden Stadium, Glasgow.
Presenter Gary Lineker faces the camera, sitting across from three
studio guests.
GL Good afternoon, and welcome to
Hampden Park, Scotland’s national stadium.
Today, a cup final place up for grabs, and a game we’ve not seen much in
the last four years. It’s the Scottish
Cup semi-final – it’s Old Firm Derby Day.
[Cue VT montage of past Rangers v
Celtic games]
Joining us in the studio are two men
with more than a passing familiarity with these occasions: former Rangers
manager Graeme Souness, and former Celtic striker, John Hartson. We also welcome Clayton Blizzard. Gentlemen, it’s the fiftieth Scottish Cup
meeting between these teams, and –
CB No, it’s actually the first.
GL [Ignoring the interruption] Graeme,
how do you see this one?
GS Well, Celtic are favourites, of
course, but I think it will be tight.
The pressure is off the Rangers players, they’re the underdogs, and I
think that will suit them. They might
just surprise a few people.
GL John, how do you think the players
will cope with the big occasion?
JH Well, I think it’s a fantastic
occasion, and I’ve been looking forward to it as much as any Old Firm fan. But I think Celtic will be just too strong
for Rangers today. They’re a division
above, and that quality really should tell.
GL Clayton, I’ve a feeling you’ll have a
somewhat unique perspective…?
CB As with anything as culturally
significant as football, this match is not just about football. It is important politically, socially,
economically etc blah blah blah. Except
that it isn’t more than a football match.
Even though it really is. But it
isn’t, though is it? Yes. No.
GL An interesting, if slightly confused
point – let’s keep it about the football, shall we?
CB I always laugh at the idea of “separating
football and politics”, or sport and politics.
People say it as if it’s possible, or even desirable….
JH But we’ve got to move on, Clayton, we
can’t keep living in the past.
CB I quite agree, John. Let’s move on and stop pretending [indicating
speech marks with fingers] “Rangers” are still alive and that nothing ever
happened.
GL Well, I think moving on is a good
idea, Graeme, have you –
CB Hang on a second, Gary. The BBC, along with all the other main
channels and papers, have been trying to pretend that Rangers didn’t go out of
business and are the same club as the club which went out of business. Which is like saying that the Democratic
Republic of Congo is Zaire. Which it
demonstrably isn’t. Because Zaire
doesn’t exist anymore. The land and
people exist, but it is a new country.
Hence the different name.
Because, in UK corporate law, it is illegal to establish a company under
the same name as a company that has previously been liquidated. Because said liquidated company no longer exists.
GS Look, if you’re trying to besmirch the
club because of some conspiracy theory or daft agenda…
CB Not at all, Graeme, merely trying to
point out a few facts. Perhaps
uncomfortable for some, but facts all the same.
Even Walter Smith admitted it when he wished “the new club” all the best! If
the former manager is aware of this,
why are others so reluctant to acknowledge the reality? Why are the BBC so intent on re-writing
history? When the barest hint of
scrutiny can reveal the facts of the matter…?
GL Well, others might well disagree with
you there – but let’s focus on the game. John, how do you –
CB Thing is Gary, the football authorities
decided that despite paying players illegally, the club had not gained a
sporting advantage by doing so.
Presumably, those great players, like Ronald De Boer, Pedro Mendes,
Stefan Klos, Michael Mols, Dado Prso, Fernando Ricksen and Arthur Numan, as
well as former manager Dick Advocaat, came to Glasgow for the weather, and were
attracted to Rangers by the lovely fans.
Like the ones who burned their season tickets when their team signed a
Catholic.
JH Well, look, as you say, the
authorities have dealt with it, let’s move on.
CB They certainly have dealt with it,
John, in the same way Tony Blair wants to deal with the Iraq war – like it
never happened, and if that doesn’t work, by making out that everyone was
horrible to him for no reason and he never did anything wrong. It’s a novel way of dealing with years of
cheating and massive financial mis-management.
Since the new club is not the old club, the SFA and the League had a
decision to make regarding the trophies won during the period of cheating. The new club, heartened by the reaction of
the media and SFA, has pretended that none of it ever happened, that they are
the same club and that all the trophies won by the old club are automatically
passed to the new club by osmosis. The
attitude to debts owed by the old club is subject to slightly different
logic. But you’d have to be a fool – and a Fenian – to point that out.
GL We all know about the sectarian
dividing line in this fixture, the Elephant in the room, if you like…
CB Well, that’s a bit disingenuous, to
say the least, Gary. Many of your
viewers in England will not be aware of the Sectarian divide in this country,
or its history. Because, you know, no
one’s told them. And they’ve no reason
to find out for themselves. So they think
it’s two sides of the same coin and that all so-called Old Firm fans are crazy
religious bigots, as bad as each other, because that’s the way you and others
present it. And there are bigots on both
sides, no doubt – but, saying that
Scotland is “divided along sectarian lines” is like saying Palestine is divided
along sectarian lines; it’s true, to an extent, but obscures the fact that one
sect is very much in charge, and this is shit for people of any other sects who
happen to live in the same place. For
example: there’s only one place in the world where a person blessing themselves
with the sign of the cross could be considered provocative, or even
controversial, and that’s on a football pitch in Scotland.
GS I’ve had sectarian abuse from Celtic
fans, time and again, they really are as bad as each other.
CB There is prejudice everywhere, and it
needs to be dealt with, I’m just saying that it’s rarely two equal sides that
hate each other for no reason, there’s a political, social and economic history
to all of it. That’s not to condone it,
but we need to understand it.
GL But The Old Firm –
CB While we’re on it, can I just say how
much I despise that term? To fans of
other Scottish clubs, the rivalry looks something like this: Two football clubs, both with a hugely
inflated sense of self-worth, in a sectarian battle – Representatives of
Scottish/Irish Catholics, anti-establishment conspiracy theorists with a
permanent chip-on-the-shoulder and support for Irish republicanism, including
terrorism, versus hateful Wee Scotland racists with a culture of sectarian
triumphalism built on a battle fought in Ireland by a Dutch King over 300 years
ago.
JH I have to say, I don’t think that’s a
fair assessment of Celtic or Rangers
fans.
CB I don’t either, John, but I reckon it
is a fair assessment of other fans’ assessment of “The Old Firm”’s fans. For entirely understandable reasons, some
hate both sides of it. As a Celtic fan,
I hate the whole idea. People try to
insinuate all the time that “they’re as bad as each other”, whereas the fact
is, only one of the clubs with the Old Firm tag had a sectarian recruitment
policy – which Graeme Souness was finally able to bravely break in 1989. And I have to say, fair play to him for
that. Well done, Graeme! I salute your courage.
GS [Through gritted teeth] Yeah, thanks…
CB Honestly, I really admire it,
breaking down that barrier. Obviously,
you had to sign a former Celtic player, at the 11th hour, just as he
was about to re-sign for Celtic, just to let the Bears know you were still
sticking it to Celtic….
GS Now, look, sunshine –
JH I actually think both clubs have made
great strides in clamping down on the worst of that sectarian behaviour,
certain songs and chants from the fans.
CB It’s fair to say they’ve come out
against it, but…
GL Both clubs do well out of the
rivalry, though, at least financially, don’t they?
CB That’s a really good point, and I
think it gets to the heart of the matter:
Both clubs seem happy enough to play up the rivalry, presumably hoping
it will help with the TV money and season ticket sales. It’s just another example of a lack of
ambition from the Celtic board. The
suspicion is that the Celtic board believed the hype and were happy to allow
the new entity to stroll into the Premier League to provide the Sectarian Pantomime
with its traditional villain, hoping it would be a boost for season ticket
sales and TV viewers outside Scotland, where the money lies – and where both
Big Clubs have threatened to go, for years.
GS These clubs aren’t going to England,
it’s just not happening.
CB I agree.
GL You heard it here first, folks:
Graeme Souness and Clayton Blizzard agree!
[Laughter]
[Nervously] Hahaha, alright,
gentlemen, let’s keep it friendly. Uh,
John Hartson, you played in a few Old Firm derbies, and scored in a few…
JH Well, I did my best, haha. We used to love those games, in my day, and I
think Scottish football has really missed these occasions.
CB John, John, John – this is the same
guff we’ve been hearing for the last four years. Scottish
football “needs” this new club because it is the same as the old club which was
the best club and Scottish football could not – and therefore cannot and will
not – survive without it. Which is a
bit like saying that cycling cannot survive without Lance Armstrong. Because he was the best cyclist, even though
he was the best because he cheated. For
years. And got caught. And if he then died, insisting that his
re-animated corpse be allowed to compete again.
Because he was the best before and therefore always will be, and without
the rivalry between him and cyclists who are still alive and didn’t cheat,
nobody will ever be interested in cycling again and the whole thing will be in
ruins. Or not as good.
JH No, I mean, the interest in Scottish
football, even within Scotland, has diminished since 2012, there’s no denying
it.
CB Well, that may be more accurate,
John. Obviously, if a well-supported
team disappears, you lose all the fans that supported that team, for a start.
GS Now, hold on a minute – [to GL] are
you letting him away with this?!
CB Graeme, are you familiar with the
concept of liquidation? I know you’re
familiar with EBTs, since you were paid with one…
GS [Glaring] That was a completely legal
method of payment and I am not discussing –
CB HMRC beg to differ…
GL We’ll let the dust settle for the
studio guests. Meanwhile, Jonathan
Pearce and Andy Walker are pitch-side with the team news.
Later…
GL What a match! The fiftieth Scottish cup meeting of the Old
Firm –
CB Actually, it was the first Scottish
Cup game between these teams.
GL [Ignoring the interruption] – and
you’d be hard-pressed to think of a more exciting and closely contested one,
John.
JH What a game, Gary. What
a game. My head’s spinning just from
watching it!
GL Clayton, dare I ask…?
CB I expect so. Well, Gary, I was relieved to find that I was
a lot less bothered than I used to be. I
hated Rangers, years ago – the real
Rangers, the original ones. I really hated them. Pathetic, isn’t it? But watching the Old Firm games years ago was
a really disturbing experience, one I very rarely enjoyed; it just made me so
worried and nervous, the thought of those swines beating us yet again. I had genuine trouble seeing them as a
football club like most others, supported by people much like me. The fact that some of them really were
loathsome and horrible made sense of my hatred – didn’t make it fair, of course. Now, it’s the same disappointment I’d feel
losing a semi-final to anyone. So,
that’s another positive result of that old club dying – an institution which
represented the very worst of this part of the world is gone, and we can all
get on with our lives. Unless, of
course, we insist on living in the past and pretending none of it ever
happened.
GS Nothing worse than a sore loser, is
there, Gary?
GL Anyway, there has been a game of
football today…
GS [Grinning] That’s right, there was a
football match, wasn’t there – Clayton, who won that game, by the way?
CB “The Rangers” did, Graeme. On penalties.
Shame, really, because it means all this bullshit continues. Forever.
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