Simon: This is gaunnae be nervy, this wan, Pat.
Pat: Aye, squeaky bum time right enough!
S: Whiddae ye make ay aw this Palestine stuff – wavin the flags in the first game, n aw that?
P: Whit’s aw the fuss? This is Celtic. This isnae like other clubs –
S: Still need tae follow the rules, but.
P: Aye, awright, just sayin if thur gaunnae fine us fur waving a few flags, fuck them. Palestine’s a member ay FIFA fur fuck sakes – ur they gaunnae fine anybdy fur huvin an Irish flag, or a Scottish wan, or a bloody Peru flag or whatever? Naw. So it’s just bloody racist, simple as that.
S: Ye canny break the rules ay the competition an expect tae git away wi it – that’s whit the Huns done n the SFA let them pretend it’s never happened! N we’re aw giein them pelters fur it –
P: Quite right n aw –
S: Aw, aye, too bloody right. But we aw know UEFA’s gaunnae do us fur it, so why bother? Is it gaunnae help Palestinians fur a fitba team tae get fined?
P: Aye, well, it might – solidarity, man! N haud on the noo – talkin aboot wipin countries affay the map, where the fuck is Palestine? It’s no a nation state, so ye cannae wave thur flag – meanwhile, ye could huv a Saudi flag an ye’d be awright. ‘S no fuckin fair, no by any standards. [Looking to the TV] Moan, Sellick! This is shite! Get yer arse in gear!
S: Aye, wur struggling here, makin hard work ay it – we should be beatin this shower easy. Bloody Israeli champions, shite!
P: Aye, n that’s another thing – how are Israel in Europe?
S: Naw, naw, hang on, that’s cos aw the Arab teams wouldnae play Israel, they don’t recognise Israel, so whit kin they dae? Fairs fair, like – they’ve a right to play fitba, whitever else is gaun oan…
P: Aye, well, mibbe.
S: Nae mibbe aboot it! Who’s been bloody racist now? If they cannae play cos they’re Israeli?
P: What aboot South Africa? They were barred ootay everythin cos ay Apartheid! N it aw helped get rid ay they basturts.
S: This isnae like that, Pat.
P: How no? Mandela says it wis.
S: [suddenly turning back to TV] OOH, YA BASTURT! That wis nearly in there! We could get beat here, n nae mistake. We’re playin mince.
P: Cannae separate sport n politics, everythin’s politics! Mind ay the Wurld Cup in Argentina? They were a military dictatorship, tryin tae look aw legitimate n that – n they waant tae ban Russia fae the Olympics? Tell us that’s no political, fuck sakes.
S: Aye, well, ah mean…
P: N who gits fudin fur their sport, n who disnae? N who gits put oan telly? Tell Muhammad Ali no tae mix sport n politics! Git yersel away tae fuck, he’d tell ye!
P: ‘Hing is n aw, if ye try tae keep football oot ay politics, guess who will waant tae get in there? Aw they right-wing cunts that used tae run aboot English games batterin people and attacking black people an aw that shite – they’ll be pleased tae huv a political vacuum tae run intae!
S: We’ve nane ay thaim at Celtic, man!
P: Naw, ah know that fine well, ah’m sayin other places, but.
S: Aye, yer mibbe right there. Cannae go back tae the bad old days wi the England fans abusing thur ain black players, eh?
P: [at the TV] ‘Moan, Sellick, let’s git stuck intae these!
S: Cannae dae things easy, eh? Goat tae gie us aw a heart attack furst…never ever dae things easy, dae we? Nivir ivir.
P: YES, YA DANCER! Cannae believe we goat away wi that!
S: Right, well, that’s us scraped through – now whit, dae we git the Palestinian flags oot fur the group games or whit? Get fined every month?
P: They’ll be sellin them ootside the groond – “’Moan now, git yer Palestinian flags, just £80,000 each!”
S: Haha, nice one.
P: Ah’m proud ay the fans fur raisin aw that money fur the charities, but, that wis a perfect response to aw they UEFA fines. Best fitba fans in the whail world, man.
S: Aye, awright, ah’ll drink tae that
P: Aye, very good – your round but.
S: Uh-huh. Same again?