Have I Got News For You? (No.)

This week’s blog pre-supposes some knowledge of the week’s news stories, like Have I Got News For You would, before it would then explain them to you with a smug voice and invite Ian Hislop to pass comment, with his smug face.  This blog is not going to explain the stories to you, just re-write the headlines as they would appear in a newspaper prepared to display its worldview and values honestly, in headlines instead of by insinuation in the body text.  With smug hands.  Yeah, so it’s one of those blogs, with a list of headlines for Daily Mash articles I haven’t bothered to write.

Some of these headlines include a strapline to embellish on the story, used by most newspapers to add extra bite/bile to the headline.  So I have below, for some of them.  With a smug face.

Like viewers of Have I Got News For You, you will probably still be able to match the headlines to the story, even if you’re not familiar with the story, because the news is the same every single day.  (I assume it’s the reason people still read newspapers, because even their shrill sensationalism harks back to a simpler time when we still thought saying the same old shit might be OK.)

 

Like watching Have I Got News For You, reading this will probably make you laugh once, if at all, and leave you feeling wretched at the state of the world.  And yourself.  Rest assured, however, your self-loathing pales in comparison with the makers of Have I Got News For You.  Or mine.  With my smug voice, face and hands.

 

Enjoy.

 

US Journalists Dig Dirt On Presidential Candidate 12 Months Too Late

 

Rich Famous Narcissist Impervious To Criticism

 

US Election Grotesque Pantomime, Say Non-US Voters

 

Republican Party Hoping Women Hate Female Candidate Enough To Vote For Misogynist

 

Availability Of Yeast Extract Spread Most Important News Story, Say Journalists In Fading Empire

 

Only 1.5% Of International Students Over-Stay Visas, Admit Ministers Responsible For Immigrant-Bashing

 

PM Surprised To Be Popular With Racists

Only Using Expedient Rhetoric, According To Sources

 

White English Woman Thinks It’s Hilarious To Mock Black US Culture

Millionaires Enjoy 21^st Century Blackface

 

Overnight TV Star Incapable Of Humility

Woman Crying In Refugee Camp Is A Deplorable Idiot

 

Pop Star Criticised For Displaying Empathy With Suffering People

 

Woman Wears Dress In Public

“Tits and ass!” Say Onlookers

 

Woman Wears Lipstick On Television

Lipstick Colour Also Important, Say Experts

 

Woman Speaks In Public

Should know place, say Angry Men

 

30 year-old Footballer Not As Good As When He Was 20

Tabloid Newspapers Blamed

 

Economic Warnings About Brexit Proving True, Admit Pro-Brexit Campaigners

 

Pro-Brexit Voter Not Expert On EU Law

Admits Lack Of Knowledge To Radio Host

 

Fruit–Pen Combination Deemed Funny By Internet, For Some Reason

 

Singer Leaves Televised Dancing Competition

“But Why Doesn’t He Want Our Constant Judgment?” ask Confused Fans

 

“Sparked”, “Slammed”, “Fury” and “Backlash” Most Misused Words In English

Replacing “Literally” and “Random”

 

Adult Babyman Still Foreign Secretary

Preposterous Appointment Still Confounds Foreign Diplomats

 

Public Services Affected By Years Of Spending Cuts

“Unforeseeable Consequence”, Say Ministers