So Far This Week I Have…(2)

So Far This Week I Have…

Been knocked off my bike.  (It really hurt.)

Realised one of my most frequent fears: a car door opening just as I arrive, zooming past on my bike.

Met easily the most horrible person I have ever encountered in this fair city.  I was nowhere near her car when I crashed onto the asphalt, but she asked in a very accusatory tone what I had done to it.  I said “Nothing, but I’m fine, thank you for your concern”, as she scowled at me and the man who had knocked me over by opening the door without looking. 

I sincerely hope she stubbed her toes really badly that day.  You know, where you get really angry because it’s so sore and such a daft self-inflicted injury…the pinch-faced harridan.

Incidentally, the dude who actually knocked me off my bike was nice.

Lost three weeks’ worth of important information by saving to a desktop and not backing it up. ALWAYS BACK UP YOUR FILES, KIDS.

Said on two separate occasions, to different people: “I am not responsible for Barbara Streisand.”  I’m really not, you know.  I meant it.

Got a wee bit choked up (and nearly cried), in an office, watching a video of my friends singing my song in the rain in a long queue at a ferry port.  With a ukulele (them, not me).  The missing chords they couldn’t remember were F, Bb, Am and D.  Not that it matters.

Been chuffed that so many friends came to see me play – and sang along.  Bless them.

LET THE PEOPLE SING.

Smiled at some righteous pub toilet graffiti: “Stop telling women to smile”.  Cool.  (And I will.)

Smiled at some esoteric toilet graffiti (yes, from the same pub toilet): “Dean Saunders every day”.

Now, I know a Dean Saunders.  (Alright, Deano?)  This is also the name of a footballer who played for Liverpool, Aston Villa, Derby County and Wales in the 1990s, and is now a manager. 

I don’t know to which one the graffiti refers.  It really could be either.

Been offered magic mushrooms, very earnestly, by a stranger, who said somebody had recommended sharing them with me.  Neither of us were sure who that somebody could have been…

Been admonished for not using enough apostrophes.  I’ve never felt so chastised in all my life.  I didn’t know where to put my face.  So I just left it on the front of my head. 

Watched Bake-Off.  Again.  I’m almost embarrassed to admit this.  Who the fuck thought competitive baking would be a good idea, or make good viewing?  Well…me, apparently.

Seen a woman being gripped for shoplifting.  She went back inside the shop with the security guard who had chased her out the door.  She explained that she had an item or two in her bag that she had forgotten to scan at the self-serve checkout.  The staff talked to her in a relaxed fashion, as she emptied her bag out on the counter, and eventually they believed her.  She left the shop, smiling at the security guard (who was unmoved by the whole situation) as she went.  I learned all this just from observing the situation from across the street, through two windows, proving the truth in the apocryphal cliché/well-researched scientific fact*: 93% of communication is non-verbal.

*Can’t be bothered to check, obviously.

Chuckled to myself after writing “assport” instead of “passport”, feeling no need to explain the audible chuckle to those present.

Hosted a family meal and done absolutely none of the cooking.

Laughed at around 2% of the flavour-of-the-week “Cameron is a pig-fucker” jokes on the internet, including this gem from MC:

“Oh for Gods sake we’ve all fucked a pigs head haven’t we?? Let it go.”

2% is definitely higher than average for this kind of thing, mind.

I’ve made a few myself, in “real life”.  All terrible.

Another of my friends – a responsible, married father-of-two and all-round upstanding citizen –  posted a disgustingly hilarious joke about it.

I can’t share it with you here, obviously.

But I am just chuckling to myself remembering it.

It really was very funny.

And utterly disgusting.

Hahahaha….

Looked at the title of last week’s blog and thought: “Oh no he isn’t…!”

Been disappointed that nobody commented on my use of the word “egregious”.  I was hoping someone would take it for a League of Gentlemen reference, I think.

Been disappointed that nobody commented on my Public Enemy t-shirt.

Used the words “biff” and “ooof” in conversation – and, for the first time ever in such circumstances, restrained myself from saying “onomatopoeia”.  It saved me the angst of wondering how it’s pronounced, at least.

Had a day-dream about introducing myself at a private function gig next week thusly:

“Hello, I’m Clayton Blizzard.  I’m not who, with my eyes from stage I claim to be.  Most of you will probably be expecting an evening’s good-natured, upbeat entertainment.  Youse might as well fuck off now.  Take it away, Boys…”

I will probably not say any of that.

Read four of Stewart Lee’s Observer columns in a row.  They were all very good.  I LOL’d.  Honestly, I did.

Used the term “WTF” in a message for the first time.  Didn’t feel at all good about it, either.  But it was appropriate and in context.

Mused on the nature of reality, considering that although all of the above really did happen, they didn’t really all happen in the same week.  And at least one of them didn’t happen at all.

Wondered who is reading this and where they are and what they think of it and whether any of that matters at all. 

Thanks for reading, who/whatever you are.