The Second Christmas Story

In a dark time of Great Depression, there is always a light.  As a wise man once said:  “Inside every bag o’ shite, there’s a spark of gold.  Now, it’s probably the wrapper off a Caramac.  But it’s there.”  (1)

In the time of President Herod, when all the world’s people tried hard to resist the urge to write FARAGE IS A CUNT (2) on every single page of the internet, a great Soothsayer and Prophet came forth to lead Her people.  Her name is unknown, for She taught that no saviour would come to save and that people had to take collective action if they wanted anything Real to happen.  Also, she had no online presence of which to speak.

One day She came across a group of Pharisees who were railing against the President, telling their followers about his evil and lying and post-truthifying.  They ridiculed the Rednecks who they blamed for the President’s shock victory, and they claimed it could never happen in their circles.  She looked not at the Pharisees, but at their audience, and spoke, in a clear voice:  “Boris Johnson.  Boris Fucking Johnson.”

As her followers asked her to explain this, she said “For I tell you solemnly: let those without fools in their midst castigate the first white supremacist.  We shall not pour scorn on those with whom we disagree, for only by trying to understand the person can we understand why they would want these hateful things.  Also, please stop following me.” (3)

One of the Pharisees, whose name was Rick Pearl, had overheard this lesson and persisted in questioning Her.  “But, Mistress, are we not, in trying to understand the heathen, in danger of justifying them?  Surely evil is a cancer which must simply be cut out – as anything which offends the body must be removed from the body?”  The question was a trick, and he had called Her Mistress to mock Her. (4)

“No, no, no.  Look, that’s just the kind of anti-intellectual pandering that’s got us into this mess.  If we don’t understand things, we have no chance of changing them or making them any better, do we?  Consider the tumour:  if we have no information about how it grows and what it does, how can we cure the patient of its ill effects?  We wouldn’t even know it was a tumour, would we?  Honestly, this is basic stuff, Rick.
“Also, don’t call me Mistress.  A female Master is a Master.  But don’t call me that either.”
Rick Pearl left in shame and went home to write an angry blog about womansplaining feminazis and masturbate three hundred times.

The famed soothsayer Bob Marrowfat considered Her to be his rival, and plotted against Her.  Calling her a “nasty, nasty woman”, he described Her as “A six.  At most.”, and criticised Her for menstruating, recalling an ancient code against anyone bleeding in public.  Marrowfat’s campaign team put out press releases purporting to be from Her team, spreading heresy but mis-spelling it as hearsay. (5)

But She had no “team”.  Although she did have a soft spot for West Ham, like everyone does. 

As She got tired of repeating the same political arguments to a 50-50 split audience of slack-jawed un-believers and un-thinking repeaters, Her teaching began to take on a more philosophical character.  She told a crowd that had gathered at her dwelling:

“Our very bodies are made of the same material as the entire universe.  Science and religion, previously assumed to be in eternal conflict, are now busy proving each other and meeting in the middle.  For the great sage Oscar Wide (6) said that religions die when they are proved to be true, and science is the record of dead religions.  Those things we call Magic are simply unexplained phenomena, like lighting a fag to make a bus appear.
“Seriously, Kids, this is Philosophy 101.  Also, can I just put my recycling bins out, please?”

On contemplating the crushing despair of the time, She urged her apostles not to despair crushingly.

“Siblings!  Let us not be down-hearted!  For did not the spirit of the ancestors light up the people of the South South Bronx in 1973 – when all hope was lost, when divinity seemed so distant, when collars were at their widest?  When We needed it the most – We got inspiration, We got art, We got a new means of expressing our humanity!  New ways to make money, to make something from nothing!  Imagine you not that this cannot happen Now.  It is all happening Now, my friends.”  (7)

One disciple questioned Her on this, saying:  “But, Teacher – did not the spirit of Hip Hop get sold out and turned from super disco disco breakin’, toward money-makin, money-money-makin’?”

“But nature is plentiful!  We create our reality!  The Sugar Hill Gang had not a pool or a Cadillac – but in speaking these things, these things were created and attained!  This is our history!  For every Drake, there is a Killer Mike!  For I tell you solemnly:  There are countless videos, but only some go viral.” (7)

The crowd shuffled away, muttering that this wasn’t as good as the last blog about Christmas, from last year.

This story contains mysteries for those who will find them.

Notes

1.  ‘A wise man’.  This wise man is believed to be Paul Caffe, of Manchester, Connecticut.

2.  ‘Farage’.  There is no historical record of a person of this name.  Given the context, scholars believe it to be a mythical character similar to Lucifer or Krampus.  Or Gove.

3.  This apprehension of being followed is understood to be from a classical tradition of saviours denying their own divinity.  She had just read Heart Of Darkness, and so was understandably wary of developing a cult.

4.  ‘Rick Pearl’.  This is believed to be Richard Perle, former National Security Adviser to President Boosh, remembered for his famous crusades to rid the world of oil and re-structure the global economy around evangelical determinism.

5. ‘Hearsay’.  This kind of printing error was common at the time, as auto-correct and spell-check were relatively new technologies and people had not got their heads around it all.

6.  ‘Oscar Wide’ is believed to be the real name of the well-known author and “national treasure” Stephen Fry.

7.  ‘South South Bronx’, ‘Drake’, ‘Killer Mike’.  The reference to the history of Hip Hop was instantly recognisable to a contemporary audience, as the rappers of the day were famous and renowned, even the ones who were shit.  The cowd would also most likely have seen Baz Lurhmann’s series The Get Down, as they were surprisingly sophisticated and could afford Netflix.