Friday, 5 December 2014

Reviving The Lost Art Of Letter-Writing: Volume I

Reviving The Lost Art Of Letter-Writing Volume I

Dear J--,
It’s been a long time since I wrote last, I must apologise for that.
Time makes many demands on us, which we will not always survive.
Anyway, I’m fine, and I hope this finds you well.
Just a wee note to let you know I’m still here, and still concerned
Still (sort of) engaged and engaging with the world,
There has been much change in my life,
Just like in yours,
Just like in the rest of the world.
I no longer dream of big stages, mainly
Because I’ve been on a few and it was just as mixed
An experience as being on small stages.
But small stages seemed more real, somehow
Even if I’m less excited by them now.
Do you dream of big stages, or does it suit you
To see the faces that you sing to?
I’ve seen them, the faces you sing to,
and they almost always look delighted while you do,
So I can well understand why you might prefer
To see while being heard.
(I like it too, it makes it more like
Being a stand-up comedian,
Which I think I might like,
Despite the absence of instrument
To hide
My Entertainers’ Shame.)
Because, all the world’s a stage, isn’t it?
The finest art is living well, etcetera blah blah blah.
So, I’ve moved, my new address is below
How does all your studying go?
Drop me a note to let me know
How you’re getting on.
Peace and Love from
Hello R------, M------, S----- and all at British Gas,

Thank you all for your help.

S-, your apology is accepted, and I'm sure the whole thing wasn't your fault - that goes for R- and M- as well.
(Are you all in the same team? Will you all be having a Christmas party?
I do hope you have a good time and that the DJ plays Fairytale of New York.)

My new address is below

I trust you will use this address only for the correspondence you mentioned in your last e-mail,
and not for future marketing purposes for your or any other companies.

Alas, it seems our business is now concluded.
I shall miss e-mailing all of you.

Clayton Blizzard
Account #XXXXXX

Dear British Gas,

How are you? I hope this finds you well.

I was so glad to have a chance to correspond with you again.
I am only sorry that it should be the rather vulgar matter of money that compels me to write.

Thank you for the bill you kindly sent (I think that's the eighth one now - you do keep busy, don't you?).
However, the amount is less than the bill I have already paid, for the same period.
Can I therefore look forward to a credit from you?
I hate to ask, but money is tight for all of us at the moment, isn't it?
(We can't all be Lewis Hamilton - that's post-industrial late capitalism for you, eh? Am I right? Ha ha.
We do have fun, don't we, BG?)

I've just looked at the account history and frankly, can't make any sense of it. There are lots of payments and corrections. But you're clever, you'll sort it out I'm sure. So, if you could let me know, I'd be awfully grateful.

I look forward to hearing from you. And I hope that the next time I write, it will be in more felicitous circumstances!

Cheerio for now,

Clayton Blizzard
Account #XXXXXX


Dear British Gas,

Many thanks for your reply.

I feel I am now pestering the good people of the British Gas Customer Services Team.

I do so hate to be a bother, but can you just confirm that you are charging us £X (£X plus the £X already paid)?

I'd hate for us to fall out over this.
We are both reasonable people, I'm sure we can come to some mutually acceptable settlement?

Perhaps we can forget all this silly bill business and have a pint of foaming, nut-brown ale in a hostelry of your choice?
(Then you could explain to me, in layman's terms, how it costs nearly a hundred quid for a month's electric, in the height of summer. And maybe even why it takes a 45-minute phone call, four months, five customer service agents, eight bills, and several pleasant e-mails to sort it all out?)

Until then, take care,

Clayton Blizzard
Account #XXXXXX


Dear T-,

Thank you for getting in touch.

Your offer is most intriguing.
However, I am afraid we will have to decline.

Clayton Blizzard is not willing to play a gig to promote a clothing brand, whether or not he thinks it is a particularly cool one.
On the issue of “selling out” that you mention (in your jocular fashion – of which we wholeheartedly approve, by the way), Blizzard himself has some interesting opinions on this, and is currently writing on the subject. As he’s fond of saying, “you can’t sell out if you never buy in”.
(If he did start making some money, there would be some smiley happy faces at GNR HQ. Alas, it seems unlikely, as he is determined to only make money on his own terms. Which usually means rarely and in small amounts.)
However, we like to think that if Blizzard were to “sell out”, the price would be more than a pair of jeans and a polo shirt.

Therefore, in the politest fashion of which we are capable, we reject your offer out of hand.

If you have any further questions, or would like to book Blizzard for a non-corporate event, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Thanks and Peace

P’Nash (Bookings)
The Glorious New Regime

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