Tabloid Digest

Saying How Much Things Cost Is Costing £1billion A Year

Using financial costings for things with indefinable monetary value is costing the UK economy £1 billion a year, a new study has shown.

Financial analysis centred on the cost to the economy as a whole is “no longer financially viable”, according to the sensational report by the Institute for Unnecessary Fiscal Reporting.

Ben Keener of The Irrelevant Fiduciary Information Agency, however, defended the pointless financial studies industry, saying “We’ve got to have data on how much it costs the economy if more people are reading existentialist novels.  I shudder to think of the consequences of not having this information.  And we definitely need to know whether people prefer sunset or sunrise – and, far more importantly, how this affects the financial services industry.”

Simone Battle, Chief Executive of pressure group Finance Industry Costings Advocacy was similarly horrified by the report: “This one-sided report makes no mention of how much money is made for the economy by saying how much things cost the economy – it’s totally biased and unbalanced.  The fact is, if we don’t know how much it costs when drivers flash their headlights because they think it makes traffic lights change quicker, we’ll never be able to make money out if it. ”

The report’s author has hit back at critics, accusing the FICA and IFIA of “misinterpreting” the findings.  “We’re not suggesting it’s not worthwhile to work out how much things cost, but we were shocked at how much it costs to say how much things cost.” Said lead author Michelle Cranbourne.

Sources close to the Institute for Unnecessary Fiscal Reporting have revealed that the report cost around £25 million to produce.

OutrageFest

Organisers The Grand Orange Lodge declared Orangefest in Glasgow a success, despite inhospitable weather conditions, some hostility and much large-scale indifference. 

However, some felt alienated and excluded by the event.  “If I wanted to join an inclusive, cross-cultural charitable organisation I would.  But I’d rather sing about being up to my knees in Fenian blood.  It’s part of my culture.  And it goes well with cheap booze.” Said intolerance enthusiast Dan Maginnis, from Larkhall

Incomprehensibly angry Billy Matthews of Glasgow fumed “As a stereotypical working-class Glasweigan, I enjoy Buckfast, chips and hating Catholics because of a battle in Ireland over 300 years ago”, before adding “I don’t know much about history, but I know what I like.”

An Orange Order spokesman defended the event, claiming that although level of Catholic-baiting has waned in recent years, it is “still a significant part of the culture”, before lowering his y-fronts and performing a bizarre ritual with a sceptre and a Union flag.

Public reaction was mixed.  Passer-by Tom Parkhouse said “Oh, are they still doing that?  Just let them get on with it, they’ll tire themselves out eventually.”

No other rational humans were available for comment.

Ever Get The Feeling You’ve Been Cheated?

Fans of sell-out rock bands have blasted a new credit card from Virgin which features the classic Sex Pistols ‘Never Mind The Bollocks’ album cover artwork.

“It’s totally insensitive.  The well-established path for a band is to be quite good, then massive, then sell out.” claimed outraged Queen fan Chris Roberts “This bunch of professional inciters have just not gone through the proper channels.”

Others, however, were surprised at all the surprise.  Online forum commenter @TheReelTroof asked “Is that still a thing – selling out?  You’d think once you’d done a tour and called it Filthy Lucre and said in all honesty that it was purely for money and then got surprised anyone thought you were joking…”

Fourteen year-old Sasha Brady said “I don’t know what Sex Pistols is, is it a porn thing?  I did like that guy when he swore on the ‘I’m desperate for money & attention, get me out of this cycle of degrading TV appearances’ show”

Virgin mogul Richard Branson claimed the credit card as “the ultimate rebellious financial service accessory”, which would represent “a great way to stick two fingers up at the establishment”, said the Knight of the Realm.

Butter salesman John Lydon reacted to the news by blasting Branson as a “snidey smarmy posh boy”, before scowling at reporters and skittering in to the Groucho Club.

Bankers “Can’t Wipe The Smile Off Their Faces”

Bankers are wondering if there’s anything they can’t get away with, after the government announced they will be selling its’ RBS stake at a loss of £7billion to the Treasury.

The Chancellor made the announcement in Parliament, saying “This is part of a sensible, long-term plan to take money from the disabled and the poor and put it into failing banks.  If anyone’s got a better idea for improving the economy, I’m all ears.”

Banker Theo Willis was pleased with the news “This is brilliant – I helped to run my business into the ground and I got a two million pound bonus!” 

“I’m off to torture a swan – they can’t fucking touch me” he laughed, before donning a pair of red plastic devil horns and disappearing in a puff of smoke.