Friday, 1 March 2013

5 More Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Be A Stand Up Comedian


My Life As A Stand-Up Comedian Part II

So, there was some spill-over from last week’s blog Why I Probably Shouldn’t Be A Stand Up Comedian (Because My Act Would Be Full Of Shite Like This).

So, here it is:
5 More Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Be A Stand Up Comedian 
(Because I Think This Stuff Is Quite Funny)

This is an audience participation number: you participate by sitting perfectly still and silent.

These words are not mine, they are all from the dictionary.

They say that abstinence is the most effective contraceptive.
Which is, of course, bollocks.
The most effective contraceptive is not having a uterus.
Works for me…

I used to think people were beautiful on the inside.
Then I saw that autopsy….

Peter Skellern gave me some great advice, he said:
Don’t use all the notes up in one song, you’re making us look bad.
No, that’s only a joke, it’s not true.
It was actually Craig Charles, he gave me some great advice, he said:
Don’t use up all the notes in one song, you’ll need some left for the next one.
No, that’s not true, it’s only a joke, what he actually said was,
Don’t use up all the notes in one song, you’ll wear them out.
No that’s not true, but it’s funnier than the truth.
(He’s actually an extremely boring man.)
Ben Folds gave me some great advice, he said
“Writing songs is like treating depression with alcohol”.
No, that’s not true, what he actually said was,
“How did you get past security?”
No it’s not true, it was actually Bryan Adams that said that.
No, Ben Folds gave me some great advice, he said:
“Simply state the truth and you can’t go wrong.”
The joke was on him; I went horribly wrong.  I should have lied
Lance Armstrong gave me some great advice, he said
“Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.”
That’s not true, obviously.  What Lance Armstrong actually said was
“I’ve been using performance-enhancing drugs for years.”
Which is a lot funnier than what I said about him, isn’t it?

You’ll have to bear with me, much of what I say is intended as humour…

I’m going back to bed.

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